Kárate a muerte en Torremolinos (2001)

Karate is funny. By no means do I wish to be disrespectful to its practitioners, as I’m well aware that the martial arts have deep cultural roots and have important significance to unique cultures. I respect that. However, if I were ever confronted by an opponent who entered into a karate stance and made a readying battle cry, then I would completely lose my shit. Game over before the battle ever started. Some of the greatest martial arts films that I have ever seen, have not only impressed me but made me laugh immensely. For example in Fists of the White Lotus (1980), Gordon Liu and Lo Lieh square off in a phenomenal sequence: Lo Lieh as the White Lotus Chief is meditating in the bath. Liu’s character attempts to get the jump on him by attacking him in the bath. Not only does Lieh exit the bath and put on his clothes, but he manages to fend off Liu’s attacks and win the fight. One of the greatest martial arts films ever. To further gauge my own sense of humor, I also laugh immensely when the vending machine kicks the shit out of the little league coach in Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive (1987). Go figure.
I discovered a little gem recently entitled Kárate a muerte en Torremolinos (2001).
Torremolinos is a Spanish resort town whose primary source of income is tourism. Jess (José María Cruz Piqueras) is a twenty-year-old surfer with a beautiful girlfriend named Danuta (Sonia Okomo). Jess is a member of the Catholic Brotherhood of Surfers and has made a vow of chastity until he is twenty-four. This is a problem for Danuta as she really wants to fuck. It may be a blessing, however. Torremolinos also houses a local legend: that of Jocantaro, a half-crab, half-octopus monster who lives off the coast and under the sea. Enter Dr. Malvedades (Paul Lapidus), a diabolical genius, who plans on raising Jocantaro from his watery depths to take over the world. With his zombie ninja henchmen, Dr. Malvedades needs five “newly-screwed virgins” to complete his plan. Oh shit. I was initially attracted to Kárate a muerte en Torremolinos by learning of the inclusion of Jess Franco as one of its actors. Its director, Pedro Temboury, according to his IMdB credits, served as an assistant director for some of Franco’s latter-day efforts such as Lust for Frankenstein (1998) and Tender Flesh (1998). Franco has always acted in his own films, and I have to admit that he’s pretty funny in Kárate a muerte. By the time Franco appears in the film, Jess has recruited his fellows in the Brotherhood of Catholic Surfers to combat the impending evil upon Torremolinos. Franco appears as a karate instructor named Miyagi who appears from an ethereal plane to instruct the desperate group in combat. In twenty four hours all the secrets of karate are revealed. The most humorous thing about this sequence is Franco’s delivery of his dialogue: he goes from quiet and meditative to ridiculously animated. While everyone in the cast gives enthusiastic performances, perhaps Oliver Denis deserves special mention. Denis plays, according to the film’s ending credits, one of the zombie ninjas but also served as fight coordinator for the film. In one hilarious sequence, four to five black-belt students at the local dojo head outside to practice. The zombie ninjas interrupt them and dole out some ass-whippings. Each karate student is wearing a white t-shirt with the logo “Karate Denis” on the back, so I take this as an indication that Denis teaches karate somewhere close to the location. If I had to choose my favorite character in Kárate a muerte, then it would have to be Denis portraying a mercenary, karate master named “Chuk Lee,” who is hired by the mayor of Torremolinos to stop the mayhem. Yes, he ultimately fails, but it is an entertaining failure. Denis is very good at karate and he’s dead serious when performing. I’m certain that he’s in on the joke, but that’s incidental. Denis’s performance and contribution, like all of Kárate a muerte, is perfect camp humor: never too self-aware, always straight, and when necessary, absolutely dead serious. Paul Lapidus, as Dr. Malvedades, also deserves mention. Temboury and Pablo Álvarez Almagro, screenwriters, give Lapidus the best dialogue in the film. No cinematic evil genius deserves this much ripe material. (The English subtitles are well-done.) Like all diabolical and evil masterminds, Dr. Malvedades has to relate his plan to everyone that he meets, and he is having a wonderful time doing so. He even has a copy of the Necronomicon (which is interesting that he owns it, as it appears non-essential to his plan.). His nemesis, named “Dr. Orloff,” played by Temboury, has a wonderful late-nite occult television show. I could watch this show over and over. When Dr. Orloff is finally recruited by the mayor after the failure of Chuk Lee, Dr. Orloff plans on using toys. Like plastic swords and dry-erase boards, I bullshit you not. While all of the characters have a glimpse in their eyes that this man is going to combat the ultimate evil with toys, none makes any mention. The only complaint that I can make about Kárate a muerte en Torremolinos is the opening credit sequence is too long, but it appears as if the collaborators put a lot of time into making it look spiffy. The entire film runs less than eighty minutes, and I could have watched a film twice as long. The film is low-budget, has a rubber-suited monster causing havoc on the beach, martians appearing out of nowhere, and a tremendous amount of heart. As much entertainment as Kárate a muerte en Torremolinos has provided me, it’s earned the tag: brilliant, phenomenal, amazing. I purchased the Region 2 disc here.

Ruggero Deodato's Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Brilliant. Phenomenal. Amazing. These are words that describe Ruggero Deodato's Raiders of Atlantis (1983), and perhaps, I'm the only one who is using them. Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) are ex-soldiers turned mercenaries. At a Miami mansion, the two perform a flawless kidnapping by incapacitating their target and taking out all of the henchmen. They deliver their target to "The Colonel" and get paid a cool fifty grand. Time to disappear for a while, so Mike and Wash (or Mohammed, as he likes to be called, since he's been reborn) gas up the boat to head to Trinidad. Meanwhile, off the coast of Florida on a platform, a group of U.S. scientists and military are attempting to float a Russian submarine located on the ocean bottom loaded with nuclear missiles. An interesting artifact is found (an ancient tablet found near the submarine), and helicopter pilot Bill (Ivan Rassimov) flies in Professor Cathy Collins (Gioia Scola) to decipher the language on the tablet. She meets Professor Peter Saunders (George Hilton) and tells him that the language on the tablet might be the key to proving the existence of the city of Atlantis. Soon, the Russian sub is floated, the sky mysteriously darkens, and a large storm swirls up in the ocean. A glass-domed island appears from beneath the ocean, while back in south Florida, a group of marauders, the Interceptors, have been waiting for this day to come. The Interceptors are led by a man donning a crystal skull (Bruce Baron).

Ruggero Deodato is one of the most talented Italian film makers of his generation. I often find it difficult to prove my case with this theory, because his films, substantively, are often extremely violent, transgressive, or sexual. The material and themes within his cinema often detract from his very slick visual style and story-telling ability. His Cannibal Holocaust (1980) is masterfully shot and its story told in an equally powerful fashion. While I would never willingly subject anyone to a viewing of Cannibal Holocaust (a film for the seriously curious risk-taker who is advised to do extensive research on it before viewing), a film such as his Raiders of Atlantis is much more digestible; and its most extreme aspect is its entertainment value. In my opinion, Raiders is one of the best genre films that the Italians delivered in the 80s: extremely likable characters accompanied by enthusiastic performances; an odd and intriguing genre blend and atmosphere; exciting and over-the-top action sequences; and above all, fun.

American actor Christopher Connelly as Mike spent the bulk of his career acting in myriad American television programs. However, in the 80s, alongside his television work, Connelly would appear in a number of notable Italian films, such as Lucio Fulci's Manhattan Baby (1982); Antonio Margheriti's Jungle Raiders (1985); Nello Rossati's Django 2 (1987); and Tonino Ricci's Night of the Sharks (1988), for example, before dying before the age of fifty. Connelly would appear in some of the Italians' finest action films of the period: Enzo G. Castellari's 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982); Fabrizio De Angelis's Cobra Mission (1986); Bruno Mattei's sublime Strike Commando (1987); and of course, Raiders. While not an imposing figure physically, Connelly is charismatic, sweet and kind, and determined and persistent. He brings these qualities to his character, Mike, and despite his amoral mercenary nature, Mike is a hero to root for. Mike's romantic interest and a fantastic character all on her own is Gioia Scola's Cathy. Beyond her role here, the only other film in which I can recalling seeing her is in Gabriele Lavia's Evil Senses (1986), where she delivered a nude scene at the beginning and then seemingly disappeared. As Cathy, Scola is smart, sassy, sweet, and funny. Her inclusion brings an excellent balance to the testosterone-driven action, and her character is pivotal to the narrative. Tony King, prior to his role as Wash, would appear in three films from Antonio Margheriti: Cannibal Apocalypse (1980), The Last Hunter (1980), and Tiger Joe (1982). King is totally credible as an action star and delivers some of the best humorous lines within Raiders with an infectious enthusiasm. Last, but definitely not least, are Ivan Rassimov and George Hilton, two of the most well-known Italian genre actors and stalwarts. Their contributions to Italian genre cinema are too numerous to cite here, but both are absolutely perfect in their roles as Bill and Saunders, respectively.

Mike and Wash's opening kidnapping sequence is a well-executed action sequence and a fitting opening for Raiders. After the exposition curiously unfolds during the first act, the viewer is truly treated to bizarre fun. The leader of the Interceptors, Crystal Skull, is taking his band of marauders (who all look as if they walked off the set of George Miller's The Road Warrior (1981)) and killing everyone in south Florida. Mike and Wash survive the island rising and ocean storm in their boat. Cathy, Bill, Saunders, and a couple others are the only platform survivors and are rescued by Mike and Wash. The survivors have no idea what happened; although they get a hint when Manuel (John Vasallo), Mike and Wash's deckhand, begins threatening to kill everyone and kidnapping Cathy. Cathy is an essential figure who the Interceptors need for her specific knowledge of the ancient tablet. When the motley crew of survivors arrives back in South Florida, they are treated to a destroyed and desolate sight. In a brilliant and haunting sequence, the crew hears the skipping of a song. Inside a church (?), a bloody-sheeted corpse is dangling from the ceiling while its lifeless body is hitting the side of a jukebox: a truly odd and disorienting sight. The Interceptors arrive and the action starts.

The initial firefights between Mike and company and the Interceptors are straight out of the Rio Bravo/Assault on Precinct 13 school and traditionally and perfectly executed and exciting. Deodato adds his bizarre touches, such as the Interceptors burning one victim and sending a crossbow arrow through the mouth of another victim (shot in a close up with a prosthetic head (one of many used in Raiders, by the way)). During the battles, King's Wash gives his trademark satisfactory laugh, as Wash, Bill, and Mike take out foes with military precision. Cathy is eventually captured by the Interceptors, and Raiders follows with its action highlight set piece: Mike and crew taking out foes from their red school bus as the enemy helicopter flies overhead. The sequence is shot kinetically and all the stunts look dangerous and genuine. Deodato makes this cinema look easy. The final third on the island should remain hidden, here, as the sci-fi takes an even more bizarre turn, the humor becomes unintentionally hilarious, and the action remains continuously exciting.

Despite gushing over a thousand words about Raiders of Atlantis, I do not believe that I can adequately describe my love for this film. Once the score and theme song by Guido De Angelis and Maurizio De Angelis (as Oliver Onions) is heard, it will be forever stored in the mind of the viewer and is as unique as the film is. Raiders of Atlantis shows a talented director, who's never conservative, having fun and translating it to celluloid. See it multiple times.

Steve Barkett's The Aftermath (1982)

Brilliant. Phenomenal. Amazing. These are words that describe Steve Barkett's The Aftermath (1982), and perhaps, I'm the only one who is using them. Barkett's film is a true labor of love: he co-wrote the story with Stanley Livingston (Chip from My Three Sons), wrote the screenplay, produced, edited, directed and stars as the film's hero, Newman. Newman, Williams (Jim Danforth), and Mathews (Larry Latham) are astronauts who are about to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere after a year-long space journey but they cannot make contact with anyone on the planet. What's going on down there? Nuclear holocaust and the end of humanity, save a bunch of folks turned into mutants and a retched gang of evil men, led by Cutter (Sid Haig). Cutter and crew like to kill the guys and kidnap the ladies to hold hostage at his camp. Newman and company make an entry a little off the coast of Los Angeles. Only Newman and and Mathews survive. After a fireside battle with a gang of hungry mutants, Newman and Mathews awaken to a city of rubble and ash. At a local station, Newman finds a dead radio controller's final words recorded on tape (voiced by Dick Miller) and learns the final fate of humanity. Newman and Mathews find new digs on the skirts of the city: Mathews wants to stay put and build a new life, while Newman leaves to roam the wasteland, looking for survivors and getting into a few adventures, too.
The Aftermath is dead serious cinema. Beefy Barkett as Newman is a Homeric hero: a scholar, a fighter, a lover, a father, and a savior of surviving humanity. During his trip out into the wasteland, Newman gets caught in a acid rainstorm and takes shelter within a museum. Inside, he encounters The Curator (played by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman) and his ward, Christopher (played by Barkett's real-life son, Christopher Barkett). Ackerman's Curator gives Newman a history lesson on the fate of humanity, through the various stages of civilization, while he also reveals to Newman that he is dying from contamination. Christopher becomes the ward of Newman, and the two roam the wasteland together. Along the way, Newman and Christopher are attacked by the sniping Sarah (Lynne Margulies), who has escaped the evil and groping hands of Cutter. She joins Newman and Christopher in their journey after the trio dispatches some lurking mutants; and the three become a family. Newman quickly beds sexy Sarah, only then to go downstairs in his pajamas to Christopher for a bedtime story and a life lesson. Cutter and company are a dangerous presence, so Newman, Mathews, Sarah, and Christopher plan a daring escape of the hostages in a nighttime raid on the camp...Sid Haig, as Cutter, is the most evil of men. His portrayal is akin in sleaziness only to the Devil himself, and Haig is a good foil to angelic Newman. Bald and bearded Haig is one of the most charismatic actors of exploitation cinema with numerous credits with standouts being Jack Hill's Spider Baby (1968), The Big Doll House (1971), and Coffy (1973; alongside Pam Grier), for example. He has experienced a resurgence in his career after appearances in Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown (1997) and his brilliant turn as Captain Spaulding in Rob Zombie's House of a Thousand Corpses (2003), for example. Lynne Marguilies is most notable for being Andy Kaufman's girlfriend. She's not the greatest actress but she gives her all in her performance as Sarah: she's meek and sweet, kind and caring, and tough and tumble. Some of the best scenes are with Steve and Christopher Barkett together: watching Newman place a loaded gun in the hands of young Christopher for target practice is simultaneously humorous and disturbing. The relationship between the two is genuine and real and it totally feels like a caring father-and-son relationship.Steve Barkett, who has other acting credits, has only directed one subsequent film, Empire of the Dark (1990; also with Steve and Christopher Barkett, which has alluded me for years. I will dish out some serious cash for a copy if anyone has a knowledge of its VHS whereabouts). The Aftermath rings true as an exploitation film: some sex, violence, and stunts. The sex is brief and pretty tame but the violence is really bloody. The first scene of Cutter and crew hunting down an unsuspecting group has many a bloody gunshot explosion (including a shotgun blast head explosion). There a is a wonderful hand-to-hand fight scene with Newman and a foe on the rooftop of a high skyscraper that brings its actors a little close to the edge from time to time. There is many a fall and a tumble taken by an actor and none look trained to take such a fall (so I practically winced through all of the amateur stunts). The music and look of the film is right out classic American sentimental cinema: strong emotions with accompanying appropriate music with classic compositions. The Aftermath is ultimately, a film about good versus evil.The Aftermath has practically no budget. A cursory glance at the opening credits reveal the film is truly a family affair with few participants who appear multiple times under different credits. The spaceship models and spaceship set aren't credible and really laughable. The mutant fx are incredibly cheesy. However, there are some very good matte painting backgrounds which create the apocalyptic background and some of the other visual effects are entertaining, such as the red acid rainstorm that Newman encounters. Some visual effects are predictably cheesy, such as the ray gun that Sarah uses during the raid on Cutter's camp. The Aftermath is too ambitious to hide its budget and it doesn't also hide its heart. More than anything else, enthusiasm permeates The Aftermath to make what would be a shitty b-movie into a true cult classic. Short and stocky Barkett as Newman is far from the ideal looking hero and the performances, save Haig, are truly amateur. Newman's voice-over narration is brilliant, and the story and dialogue are something else. I had a complete and total smile on my face during the entire running time of The Aftermath and I've seen it multiple times. A true classic of American B-Cinema, The Aftermath deserves a wider audience to experience its hidden charm.